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| Wow been a long time for this one... |
| 06.30.08 (4:48 pm) [edit] |
Hey, I don't know if any of my old buddies are on here but I wanted to give everyone an update on my life. I got married June 14th. No kids and I'm doing great!! I miss everyone!! Wedding pictures can be posted upon request!!
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| I'm Back and a totaly different person. |
| 07.06.07 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
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For those of you who knew me before I quit blogging knew the kind of person I was. I was a self centered brat to put it nicley. And you know, looking back on how stupid I was I cant blame anyone for not liking me to well. A lot has changed for me over the last couple years and it has a name. Chris, when I met him I knew my life would be different, I knew I was going to change for the better. I'm all grown up. I'm 20 years old and I have a lot going for me now. I've been seeing Chris for about two years now and they have been the best two years of my life. I have a great job I have a wonderful boyfriend a wonderful house and a life that actually seems to make sense to me now. Chris is a real-estate investor and everything is falling into place. I have to ask myself why a person like me got so lucky. I'll never know the answer to that but I will never ever complain about the life I do have!! I want to appologize to all of those I have screwed over and all those I manipulated into feeling sorry for me. That wasnt my goal and for the life of my I can NOT figure out why I was the way I was. But I am who I am now, a very happy free spirit who wants to live her life one day at a time. I plan on blogging as often as I can and I hope you all understand how deeply sorry I am for all the shit I have put you through. Blogging has been my escape from the real world so often before and I cant escape the world because it's always going to be there. I also want to thank all you wonderful people who have been there for me. You are amazing!! Thank you, I love you all!!!
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| So very happy... |
| 02.13.06 (12:43 pm) [edit] |
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So today is Monday the 13th and I didn't expect to get anything from Chris becayse I didn't get anything from over the weekend. I got up today at around 2 today and was eating and from our living room window we can see the mailtruck well I saw the mail lady get out of the truck with a box so I just assumed that it was something for my mom to give my brother for his classes. Well I saw my name on it and so I opened it and there was a dozen black roses, they are beautiful!! I was so supprised it was my valentines day present. I was so, shocked and happy. They are so beautiful!! They are silk (fake) but atleast they will never die, like my love for him will never die.
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| No Subject |
| 02.11.06 (10:50 am) [edit] |
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So I have decided that this will be my last post on my life. I will still post my writing/pictures/songs but no more will I allow anyone to know my personal life. If you care to keep in touch with me then you can add me to your messanger list or you may e-mail me...or visit me on myspace all of which will be listed below, thank you to those who cared like i said, you can always keep in touch with me!! have a good day!! AIM YIM via e-mail |
| try to steal my poetry and ill kick your ass! |
| 05.30.05 (9:27 pm) [edit] |
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SHEDED HATE Abuse and anger is the way to savor your true colors. I mutter the ugly words of hatred and deceit, as i defet the beatings and reveal how i feel. Inside i cried begging and praising, the one who hates i shall not wait. I will not meet at the gates of heaven but the pits of hell, burning how i feel. The despaire i feel the wounds will not heal how i feel about you, the pain you put me through. You released the beast i withdraw inside, my soul has died. My life no longer from you i ponder my thoughts in my head, wishing i were dead. You hit my flesh with metal and mesh, But i sitll got the best of you my life is true. I kill and spill your body cold on the floor, as i walk out the door, you hit me...and for that i hate you... BEAUTIFUL DEATH my skin is blue and my heart stoped beating...death has come my soul is leaving...look at my all hard and cold...my body looks worn out and old...look at my family why are they weeping to them i watch and my soul is seeping...where will i spend eternity, heaven or hell...i try to look in the mirror to see myself... i see the blood poor from my nose and my mouth...how did i die...did i have to be pulled out...was it a car accident or was it suicide...all i know is im not alive...my soul is frozen...to hell i was chosen...with this i conclude my life is not true.... BLOOD BATH THE BLADE SCRAPS AS THE BLOOD DRIPS TAKING ACID GETTIN TRIPS. OUT OF MIND OUT OF CONTROL ITS HARD FOR ME TO LET GO OF THE DAYS WE HAD NOTHING FELT SO BAD. I CRY AS I SLOWLY CUT MYSELF TO DIE AND ASK WHY. WHY MUST ONE HATE IS IT THE FATE OF OF THE HUMAN NATURE THE PRESSURE UNFOLDS AND THE BLADE SCRAPS... MY SKIN MY LIFE...AT THE BLADE OF A KNIFE AND YOU ASK WHY WHY. DO YOU HURT YOURSELF, ITS CALLED SELF MUTALTION IT HAS NO INTENTION AS TO WHAT THE PURPOSE IS AS I LOOK AT THIS AND SCREAM "BLEED BITCH YOUR NOTHING JUST BLEED" AS I LISTEN TO THE FEAR IN MY HEAD SAYING "SOON YOULL BE DEAD" I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AS THE BLOOD POURS...NO MORE LIES NO MORE WHORES...I FALL ITS ALL OVER NO MORE WORRIES NO MORE PAINS THEN I WAKE FROM THE DREAM AND SCREAM AS I REALIZE IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD IM REALLY NOT DEAD.... BLOOD TEARS THE PAIN AND SHAME ITS ALL A GAME LIFES TO LAME TO SIT AND WASTE I FACE THE RACE OF THE WAY I TRACE MY OUT LOOK ON LIFE AS I SIT WITH A KNIFE WISHING IT WILL ALL SOON END BUT THEN YOU CAME AS I BEAT OUT MY BRAINS TO FIGURE IT OUT WITH OUT A DOUBT I NEED MY LIFE SO I NEED TO LOOK ALIVE I TRY NOT TO CRY AS I LIE WONDERING WHY PEOPLE DIE AS I FLY THROUGH THE MIND OF TRUST AND LIES THEN YOU CAME AND SHOWED ME THE WAY TO SAY ITS OKAY LIFE IS FREE AND ALL YOU NEED IS ME TO SEE YOU NEED TO BE HOW YOU CHOOSE TO BE TO MAKE ONE SEE YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE WHETHER YOUR RICH OR YOUR POOR YOU HAVE FEELINGS AND YOUR LOVE TO ME IS HEALING WITHOUT DEALING THE CARDS OF DEATH MY WAY TO YOU I MUST SAY I LOVE YOU |
| part 6 |
| 07.28.04 (11:37 am) [edit] |
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The thought of school has now made me wish that I would never wake up anymore. That I would never wake up and deal with the hell I attend to everyday. I think everyone has gotten to the point to where they decide to just leave me alone. I think they have finally figured out I don’t care anymore, their hateful words and angry eyes has yet to hurt me any longer. Danny has been calling more often. He left his girlfriend, I guess she cheated on him and when he kicked her out she bleached every one of his belongings. I personally consider her a bitch now. He has since moved to Saipan where he met a girl, she is his age twenty-two with an eight year old son. I still have no idea on how to say his name. I have gotten to the point to where I don’t like talking to him because the more I talk to him the worse I feel knowing that he isn’t here to be with me. I miss him like mad and there is nothing that can or will be done until he comes home. It’s freezing outside and thank god that Christmas break is here finally. I need a two week vacation from that hell hole they call a school. I’m looking forward to Christmas I love spending time with my family. Good thing its tomorrow. We never open gifts on Christmas Eve so we go to get grandma to come spend the night and spend Christmas with us. That night everyone goes to bed looking forward to spending Christmas with one another. Around four in the morning I hear the phone ring, first thing I thought was it was Danny since they are around fifteen hours ahead of us he forgot its four in the morning. I hear mom on the phone but I can’t hear what is being said. “Dwayne, you need to take me to the hospital, they took daddy John in and he’s not doing good.” Well by this time I had to get up to see what was going on, my papaw wasn’t my mom’s real dad but she was close to him just the same, as was I. “Mom what is going on?” I stumble out of bed worried. “They took papaw to the hospital don’t worry just go back to bed.” I can’t go back to bed in a situation like this so I sit at the table with grandma, I still can’t figure out why she’s up so early, maybe the phone woke her. Daddy comes home around five thirty and tells us to get dressed and ready we are going to go see him because he’s not doing well at all. We all leave except grandma decides to stay behind, I think she thought it was between my moms side of the family, I would have liked for her to be there though. We later come home around nine and daddy tells us that momma said to go ahead and open gifts. I don’t want to and I plead for him to wait until momma comes home but he says momma told him to go ahead and video tape it so she can watch because she doesn’t know when she’s going to come back. We open gifts, I miss mom I wish she was here with us or I was there at the hospital, gifts mean nothing to me I want my family. I suffer with mom not being there and open the gifts. Daddy tells us to help grandma clean the mess from the wrapping and take our things to out room and play with them. So we all follow order and I’m missing Danny even more now because he’s not home for Christmas. In my room around eleven I hear the phone ring, now; the phone in my room you can hear what is being said if the volume is up loud enough. Daddy answers it and I hear momma on the other end. “Dwayne, daddy John died.” I dropped everything and dad hollers for us from the bottom of the stair way. I come out of my room bawling, this can’t be happening on Christmas, no not today of all days. I look my dad in the eyes “he’s dead…” my dad hangs his head “yes, he is Mandy, tell Brandon to come on I’m taking you guys over to the hospital.” “Brandon get ready we’re going over to the hospital, papaw died.” He doesn’t argue and gets ready, I look at him and Lisa and not a tear is to be seen in their eyes. How can they do it? I’m a wreck I can hardly stand. Grandma comes over and puts her fragile arms around me assuring me everything will be okay. I want her to come to the hospital with us but she refuses, says its family time. I sit in the back of the van blaring my head set I don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t want to believe that he died on Christmas day. “GOD!” I yell out of no where as my brother and sister look at me. Daddy tells them that I’m taking it a little hard since I was closer to papaw. We get to the hospital which seems like it took hours to get there. I’m the first to climb out and head up to the room as I walk in and see my aunts, uncle, momma and mamaw all sitting around the bed and there he lies, his hard cold body. He doesn’t look like the crazy goofy papaw that I loved spending time with. I stop in the middle of the door as my aunts and uncle leave. Leaving momma, mamaw, and me in the room momma holds out her arm to me. “Come say goodbye Mandy.” I wipe the tears from my eyes “No mom, don’t make me do it I can’t do it.” By this time I have no feeling left in me I can’t move. Mamaw is crying hysterically and says “Mandy you know your papaw would want you to say goodbye to him,” momma look at me and says with tears in her eyes and her voice choked up “Mandy you didn’t get to say goodbye to grandpa, now is your chance.” I feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest as I go over and kiss his cold forehead “I’ll see you on the other side.” I know momma called and told Danny but I still need to talk to him, I know he won’t care. I ask daddy for his cell phone so I can go outside to call him my cousin followed behind me but ends up going back in with some family. Danny picks up and I apologize for calling him but I needed to talk to him. We talk and cry together and he tells me he’s coming home, just for me. About 3 days pass and I’m staying with mamaw so she doesn’t have to be alone and everyone has been coming down and trying to help out. I’m asleep in mamaw’s bedroom and I feel someone come in and sit next to me “hey shit head wake up.” I sit up as fast as I can, hitting my head on the head board. Of course everyone got a big laugh out of that one but I don’t care. As my brother puts his arms around me and hugs me as tight as he can the tears start to fall, he tells all the others to leave the room so he can spend time with me. As we sit there in the room talking I feel like part of me is happy. My best friend is here, actually here to be with me. We laugh and cry together about papaw and once again. I feel whole as we hug one another again I feel like I have something to live for. |
| (no subject) |
| 07.27.04 (5:16 pm) [edit] |
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well, i guess cutting has finally been let out of the bag. Danny called and I had to answer the phone and I had to answer it...go figure. Well the first thing he says to me is "im gonna kick your ass" of course i had NO idea what he was talking about so we talked for a bit i asked him to send me some money so i can buy bras with (i have none the family has no money) well i told him that ill let him talk to my sister so i gave her the phone and he wanted to talk to me again. i thought it was kinda strange becuase he would want to talk to her and then out of no where he says "you need to stop that stupid shit" then i knew right away mom told him about the cutting. DAMN IT WHY CANT MY BUSINESS BE [b]MY[/b] BUSINESS...and he asked me why and i told him its because i have no one left that since hes gone i dont have anyone to talk...well he told me to call him anytime i feel the need to cut. it pisses me off. so now my brother thinks im psycho and i dont know what to do. i miss him sooo much and i just want him to come home. he asked me about my scars and shit...he made me promise to never do it again...but i dont know if i cant do this...i miss him i have no one anymore its all falling apart...i was so much happier when no one knew! make it stop!! my world is crumbling to peices and its all my fault!
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| back to the book part 5 |
| 07.27.04 (11:44 am) [edit] |
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School has been nothing but hell for the past few weeks; I don’t want to go back. I hate it already. I think I hate math the most. The teacher went around the room and sat us in alphabetical order so needless to say, I get stuck in the back, again. Not that I am complaining I like the back. Well, not this back because it’s right by the teacher’s desk. Well he went around the room and made everyone say their name and what grade they are in. Part of me thought it was for humiliation because I have never come across a teacher to say that. Of course everyone went around the room and the class is made up with nothing but freshman except for two sophomores. He gets to me and I can feel people staring and I can hear the snickers in the back ground. I just sit there I don’t want to embarrass myself even more. Why am I so worried I am upper-class to these kids. I can feel their eyes burning me like my flesh was on fire. I clear my throat to speak but my words still come out scuffled "Amanda and I am a junior." I can hear the soft laughter. The teacher starts going on about himself then excuses himself and walks out of the room. The freshman that sits in front of me turns around "are you a fucking idiot or something? You are in a freshman math class." I am disturbed by his comment but I just agree and look away. I can’t help but to agree, I know it’s not my fault I don’t understand math as well as others, but history is my best subject. The teacher comes back into the room and sits at his desk as all the others gather in groups to talk. I turn around and in a soft voice I ask to use the restroom. He tells me to go ahead as I slide my compass up my sleeve. I have to go to the deserted restroom where no one goes; I can’t take the chance of being caught. As I walk in the stall I make sure it’s locked and my ears are open to hear and squeaks from the door as I slide my sleeve up removing the compass. Pulling my sleeve back down I raise the bottom of my shirt and lower my pants a little. I open the compass to the pointed end closing my eyes I stick it in my flesh and start cutting. It’s as though I know its being done but by this time my body is numb and I have no pain. My tears just drop out of my eyes like I put water in them then let it drip out. "SHIT!" I look down at my pants where the blood has dripped on them. I grab some toilet paper and clean the mess as I adjust my t-shirt to cover the blood stain on my pants. I still have a throbbing pain and it hurts worse now that my pants are rubbing against it as I walk out of the stall to wash the compass and my hands. Sliding it back up my sleeve I head to my locker that’s right by the restroom so I can just put the compass in there. Rather be safe than sorry. I suffer through the rest of the day with the pain from my hip. Thank god there is only one period left in the day so I can go home and change into some jersey shorts. Maybe it will feel better on my hip than the rough jeans. I sign online to see if anyone interesting is on that I want to talk to. Of course, Andrew isn’t on, but that doesn’t surprise me. We have done nothing but argue and fight and I blame myself for it because I'm not the best girlfriend in the world. I go to sign off and I get a message that says "Hey Mandy, I just wanted to let you know that your brother and I are doing fine and that Danny got me a puppy and he is going to build us a house on the property that my mom gave to me." I didn’t know what to think, was this Kristy? I talked to her for a while I mean after all, she is my brothers girlfriend and I miss him like crazy. She says "hold on for a second I have to go do something." So I sit there waiting for her to come back and I get this other message saying "Hey shit head what are you doing." My eyes swell with tears, I can’t believe it, and my brother is actually talking to me! We talk for a few and I tell him that we miss talking to him. I go to bed finally feeling some relief other than the throbbing pain on my hip I'm actually happy, I got to talk to my brother that I've not talked to I’m close to three months. I missed him. Well the next day rolls around and it’s finally the weekend. The only thing I look forward to. Saturday night and I'm sitting online talking to Andrew because I basically have no life. It’s kind of hard to have one with no friends. The phone rings and since I am right there I pick it up the number is unfamiliar but it might be for Lisa. I answer it to hear on the other end "Hey shit head what are you doing." I can’t help myself but to start crying at this point. He actually called. "Hey don’t cry you know I'm okay." We talk for a while and I tell him how much I miss him and wish he was still here so I have someone to talk to. Mom comes in "who is that on the phone?" Danny tells me "go ahead and put her on." We tell one another our love yous and miss yous. I hand momma the phone and as he starts talking she starts crying. I don’t know what is being said because she left the room. I don’t think this night could be anymore perfect. I am talking to my gorgeous boyfriend and my best friend FINALLY called. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. |
| part 4 |
| 07.24.04 (11:49 am) [edit] |
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"Hold on if you feel like letting go....hold on it gets better than you know..." I get up and walk over to my alarm clock and turn it off. If anything I don’t want a group of posers to tell me how to live my life. I still have yet to get in the habit of getting up for school. I never did like the first day of school the whole going to be taunted and talked about just wasn’t my cup of tea. So I throw on a pair of jeans and my new Korn t-shirt, fix my hair the messy look because it’s to short to pull back. I go downstairs not really hungry but momma wants me to have brain food. Brandon rolls downstairs, "why are you up so early for? You don’t have school." mom buts in "he does have school he just doesn’t go to school he’s getting up every morning to finish his school work." I choke down half a bowl of cereal taking the bowl into the kitchen. I proceed to go into the bathroom to make sure I have no exposed cuts from days or so before, I don’t want rumors to fly about that at school either after everything else that happens. Mom tells us it’s ten after and we have to go or we are going to be late. I grab my bag and head out to the door knowing I’m going to dread this day to no end. Momma drops us off and tells us to have a good day as I grab my bag she stops me "try to look at the bright side only two more years left." I smile a half ass grin then follow behind my sister through the main entrance. She goes over to her usual group of friends and I go stand by myself in the corner. Yet once again, I am the loner, the out cast. As i look around at all the others talking about their summer with friends I just keep to myself. The bell rings for homeroom as everyone starts pushing past me I have to hold onto the wall to make sure no one will knock me over. Even the underclass men feel the need to push me. One pushes into a fresh cut on my shoulder and the throbbing pain comes back as I rub my arm "asshole," I mutter to myself finally making my way to home room. I slowly walk into home room with the same students that have been in my home room since high school started. Adam comes up to me and touches my shoulder. "Hey how was your summer," he grins and sits next to me. Finally someone that I can relate to, another 'outsider'. "It’s the same as it always is, sitting at home online." "Yeah, I was going to call you to see if you would be able to hang out at all this summer but I ended up going to Florida to see my mom." We talk for a bit as we get the school rules, they have been the same since I can remember. The same dress code, same rules. No one really ever listens. I talk with Adam for a few and we compare schedules together. "Damn no classes together, this is going to suck ass," he says then he laughs a little "well at least we'll have home room for a week or so together." Our home room isn’t every day it’s just the first week of school to get our schedules and papers for the parents to sign. The day feels like it will never end. By the time lunch comes I end up sitting alone at the end of one of the tables. I wait until the lunch line dies down so I don’t have to wait for a long time to get my tray. I go through the line then come back to my little corner; I don’t even have lunch with Adam. I pull out my books and start to draw. I don’t pay attention to what I’m drawing but I just let it flow from my hand to the paper. I don’t really eat lunch I just drink the juice then throw it away. The rest of the day drags on as I sleep through most of my afternoon classes. I seem to absorb more about the class when I’m asleep, or not paying attention. I suffer through the day with spit balls and name calling. I don’t care anymore; I try to not let it bother me. "One of these days," I tell myself "they are going to see me up on stage getting an MTV movie award for best female artist, and they are going to be so jealous." The eighth period bell rings. Finally the day is over. I grab my bag and head out the door looking for my mom. "There she is!" I run to the van and climb in. "So, how was your day?" She turns to look at me while we wait for my sister. I can’t really say anything because I can’t even describe how I hated it. She lays her hand on my arm. “It can only get better, just give it time." Lisa gets in the car and as mom pulls off I try not to think about my day. I just want to go home and sleep and forget all about it. |
| Chapter three....Shopping for School Clothes |
| 07.23.04 (10:30 am) [edit] |
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"You have 500 a piece this year for school clothes," daddy says as we all pile into the van one after another. I sit in the seat looking out the window thinking to myself "wow, 500 we have never had that much before." For once in my life I am actually extremely excited about school this year. I'm going to be a junior. "DONT TOUCH ME!" Brandon yells, I don’t know if he’s talking to Lisa or me so I just move over anyway minding my own business. I'm guessing he is mad because momma and daddy said he doesn’t get as much to spend because he’s being home schooled. "Dad will you turn up the radio so, we don’t have to hear Brandon complain. I hear the radio go off and dad says "I'm not going to listen to this shit the rest of the day, we don’t have to go and you guys can go to school wearing what you wore last year." I rub my leg still a little sore from the previous two weeks ago but it has scabbed over; it mostly itches rather than hurting. "Mom have you heard anything from Danny yet?" I look up at the passenger seat to my mom "no I haven’t yet Mandy I think he is still a little pissed off." Danny left sometime back in June my big brother, the only person that I have in my life that actually wants to listen to me and how I am feeling. Mom and Danny got into a fight over his current girlfriend she was stealing and Danny got mad when mom tried to tell him about it. I am sure there was more to the story than what I knew, but I knew the night they left things was said that shouldn’t have been said. Things done that shouldn’t have been done. I blame myself because I was the one that told momma about her stealing. Danny didn’t want to accept the fact that she stole, so he left. As I look out the window I just wish he would call or something. He promised me that he would call me for my birthday. But I didn’t get a call or card, nothing. Dad pulls up in the mall parking lot. I'm not real big on the whole mall experience but I go with it, maybe I can find something I like. Lord knows that I would much rather shop at the vintage store. I like the worn in clothes. I find them more comfortable. Lisa brought a friend with her so it looks like I have to walk around with mom and dad, again. I roll my eyes and get out of the van. Everyone walks in and stops at the main entrance. Dad looks at his watch and it’s about noon and he says "we'll all meet back here at four o'clock." Lisa and Michelle agree and take off. They didn’t even offer for me to come with them. Of course she wouldn’t want me to come with her and her friends. I lay my head kind of low and my dad comes over and lays his hand on my shoulder "its okay kid you and I are going to have fun while your mom takes bub to look for shoes." I smile because I know dad doesn’t want me to feel left out. So he and I go off and we pass the big name brand stores like Abercrombie and American Eagle. "You don’t want to go into those ones?" Dad says as he looks at me. "No not really, they are really expensive, I would rather get cheaper clothes so I can get more." He agrees and we go into the smaller cheaper stores. It's fun to shop with dad because we have the same kind of taste in clothes. The whole blue jeans rock t-shirt look. Amazingly the day went by so quick, and for some reason, I feel no need to be angry or upset. I hug my dad thanking him for shopping with me and giving us the money to buy clothes with. I know this has to be a big hole in the budget and mean, 500 for Lisa and me both not knowing how much they gave Brandon. They just said daddy got a big bonus check and we deserve it. Everyone meets back at the main entrance and Lisa has a few bags, she went to the big name brand stores. But that’s okay. Dad says "where are we headed for dinner?" Everyone blurts out a different restaurant at the same time and dad looks at momma. "Where do you want to go Tam?" Mom says she wants to go some place quick because she has things to do. So we stop at Arby's we eat quickly then head home. I grab my bags feelings like a million bucks because I bought four outfits with still money left over for the basics like socks, shoes, underwear and so on. Mom says "go try on your outfits and let me see." So I run trying them all on showing her one by one. Today just feels like the best day, like nothing can come between me and my happiness until I start to think about Danny and how much his leaving has hurt me. I want him home so bad. I try to get the thought of him out of my head as I model my new outfits to mom. She tells me she like everything I got. I shop like momma, off the clearance rack. I don’t think I should be judged on the things I wear. I go to bed feeling like for once I am alive again. Like nothing can stand in the way of my joy. I can’t even let Danny's leaving destroy me. |
| Chapter 2...Kiss from the blade |
| 07.22.04 (7:40 pm) [edit] |
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Well I have been sixteen for a little over a week now and it seems that all has shot straight down hill. The sibling rivalry, the hate filled words, the pain and suffering of realizing I am still alive. How I wish all the pain would end, how I wish that my brother was home to comfort me. I blame myself for the fight that he and momma got into. I sit on the edge of my bed and look around my room. In a fit of rage I grab everything and destroy it. I feel the anger and the rage building up inside me like an uncontrollable beast with no heart and no pride. I hear mom yell for me from downstairs "Amanda the table needs set." I cringe at the thought of having to eat dinner with my family as I control myself and act as though nothing is wrong. I fix up my hair trying to cover the spots where I literally pulled chunks out of my head. I drop the clops of hair into the trash can trying to cover it up so no one notices. As I go downstairs to set the table for dinner I can feel the anger building up. "Dinner is ready," mom says as she sets the pot on the table. I plop down into my usual spot at the table as my dad says "who pissed her off this time?" I glare at him not in the mood to deal with the crap "FORGET IT IM NOT EATING!" I push myself away from the table and storm off to my room. I don’t even know what is wrong with me. Part of me wants to blame Danny for not being here but part of me blames myself because its my fault him and mom got into a fight and he left. I sit on my bed as the tears just stream like a water fall from my eyes. I look over onto my dresser and there it lies. I can’t figure out why I have a knife in my room, maybe I was using it to cut paper or something. In an awkward state of mind and no feeling left in my body, I walk over to the dresser and pick up the knife and look at it. I walk over to my bed and sit down staring at the knife. I slowly roll up my pant leg making sure no one is coming, as I take the blade and press it against my skin I bite my lip as I drag the blade across my flesh. I hear the ripping and cutting of my skin. The tears fall as the blood pours. I roll my head back because the pain is so intense and it feels amazing. Nothing I have ever felt before in my life. It hurt so badly but in the same way it felt good. I felt like all my problems for that slight moment were all over and I had nothing to worry about. "Hurry Amanda you have to find something to clean the mess up with." I continued to panic looking for something to wipe the blood up with. I picked up an old torn t-shirt up off the floor. "Come on stop bleeding...stop bleeding!" I cry to myself as I wipe the blood off the knife and wrap the shirt around my calf muscle. I lay back on the bed looking up at the ceiling feeling the after math of what had just happened. The pain is too much for me to handle but I eventually forget the pain and brush it off as though nothing happened. I get up off the bed and feel the sharpest pain shoot up my leg. "Ouch! Okay Amanda you can walk it off your stronger than this you can walk it off come on." I brush it off and go down stairs as though nothing happened. I try avoiding the family and plop on the couch and turn on the TV. No one says anything to me, I think they know that I don’t want to be bothered, so they just act like nothing happened and everything is okay. I sit there and the thought of worrying about my brother never leaves my head. God how I wish he was home, maybe I would never have picked the knife up. I was hoping to change. I start thinking about the previous years about seeing the therapist. I knew I would never change. I am psychotic I don’t deserve life or any such thing. I have no means to be happy. I thought that being sixteen would be so much better for me unlike before when everything just seemed so horrible. But everything seems like it was before, what do I have left. My brother has left the family on the worst note possible. I missed him like mad I never wanted him to leave. I continued to blame myself. I try to ignore the pain from my calf but the more I ignore it the more it seems to hurt. "I'm going in for a shower does anyone need to use the bathroom?" I ask as I grab clean clothes and my towel. Everyone answers with no. I get undressed as I look down at the fresh wound blood still seeping from it. "I can’t believe you did it again Amanda, I thought you beat it. I thought you over came the need to cut." I try to clear my head as I get in the scalding hot shower as I watch the blood run down the drain I whisper to myself "another kiss from the blade, it never fails." |
| Sweet 16 not so Sweet Chapter 1 |
| 07.22.04 (6:05 pm) [edit] |
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[b] [i]SWEET 16 NOT SO SWEET CHAPTER ONE...THE PARTY[/i][/b] I smell the enchanting aroma of the coffee mom has brewing in the pot down stairs as I hear the ruffles and clanging of pots and pans. I sit up on my bed looking down my shirt. "Well not much has changed down there. “I say to myself laughing because who would expect that you would grow over one night? I go down stairs to the kitchen where my mom is standing over the stove preparing dinner for my birthday party. "Happy sweet sixteen," mom says in the most tender voice as she gives me a hug. I smile on the inside and out as I walk into the living room where my little brother and my dad are decorating with streamers and fun decorations. Brandon comes up to me and wraps his arms around me "happy birthday 'Manda," I hug him back in the greatest attempt because for that slight moment I feel loved and appreciated. Dad looks at me "grab some decorations and have a blast with them." I grab some streamers just in the mood to have fun so Brandon and I go outside and wrap them around trees and poles. It’s my sweet sixteen nothing could ruin this day. The decorating is done and the food in the kitchen smells great as the phone rings and on the other end is Holli telling me that we can come get her now. Dad and I drive the half hour to go pick her up. My best friend is going to be at my party nothing can go wrong. We pull up in front of her house and she comes out the door "'Manda!!!" I get out greeting her as she wraps her arms tightly around me. "Happy birthday 'Mana." God how I hate when she calls me that. I climb in the back as she follows lead and we sit there and talk like we haven’t seen one another in ages. Dad looks back at us "we have to make one more stop before we head home." Holli and I continue our talk, singing and acting up just making a complete ass out of ourselves but we don’t care. Dad pulls up at the grocery store "I just got to run in and grab a few things then we can go home you girls can stay in the van." We politely agree as Holli tells me all that has happened in the past few months telling me about her boyfriend and about her life and all the things she is doing. Dad finally comes out of the store about twenty minutes later with a big cake and an even bigger smile to match. "It’s an ice-cream cake!" I hug my dad so excited because the ice-cream cake is my favorite kind. He gets in and pulls off heading towards home asking me how my birthday has been so far. I answer him with no hesitation "it's been great I couldn’t ask for better." We pull up to the house to see the pathetic attempt of decorations around the house but we don’t care because it’s what matters on the inside that counts. We walk in to see a few guests’ family and friends there all waiting for me. Momma sets the table with the food and we all talk and everyone sits down to eat because we are starving. Leo asks for the grace among the food he’s a real heavy Christian and we respect that. Everyone bows their head and closes their eyes "Dear heavenly father we thank you for the food we are about to receive and we thank you for the joys of allowing us to celebrate yet another birthday..." he continues to go on as I open one eye to look around at all the guest and the family. Everyone says "amen," after the prayer and the chatter and laughter begins yet once again. Momma grabs my arm and says "come up stairs." I follow her and daddy up to their bedroom where laid out on the bed is the most gorgeous skirt and top outfit I have ever seen. I hug them both as tight as I can with so much pride. Looking at the tags and noticing they purchased the outfit at the local wal-mart doesn’t bother me because I know deep inside that I am sure they pulled together all they can to make this the best birthday for me ever. I snatch up the out fit and run to my room as quick as I can to put it on. I feel like a million bucks as I stair into the mirror. As I get downstairs and walk into the dining room I hear "happy birthday to you....happy birthday to you...." in pure excitement and slight embarrassment I look around at my family and friends singing to me with the cake sitting there melting. "Make a wish," Mashall says holding the baby in her arms. I close my eyes and think to myself "I wish Danny was here then this would be the perfect birthday." As I open my eyes and blow out the candles everyone claps and has fun with it. Everyone loads into the living room after eating cake and stuffing their face and momma says "its time to open presents." I look around at all the gifts and cards piled up on the table. As I sit on the couch Angel and Kaitlyn climb up onto my lap to help me open the gifts. After the gifts are open and I mess around with the trinkets I got Holli, Crystal, Tamra and myself all walk up to town just making complete fools of ourselves but we don’t mind. It’s just the four of us it’s my birthday and we want to kick back and have fun. After a day of full fun and excitement we head back to my house to find everyone had left. I laugh and tell them "I guess that’s what you get when you leave your guests." We laugh and go back into the house as Crystal and Tamra leave Holli stays the night so we don’t have to worry about having to drive out this late. I help momma in the kitchen and help clean up the mess as I kiss her and daddy good night as Holli and I go upstairs to my room where we change for bed. She climbs in and says "happy birthday 'Mana," as she rolls over and goes to sleep. I sit there as a tear falls from my eye. "Danny I know you and momma are mad at each other but I wish you would have at least called and told me happy birthday." I wipe my eyes knowing he didn’t hear me but I wish that he would have. I go over and look out at the moon wondering if at that same moment he was looking at it as well. I turn off the light and lie down in bed and cry myself to sleep wishing he would have at least called. |
| INDIVIDUAL |
| 07.21.04 (2:44 pm) [edit] |
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THIS POEM I WROTE IN LIKE...9th GRADE, I CANT REMEMBER WHAT KIND OF POEM THE TEACHER SAID IT WAS...BUT ITS PRETTY COOL....DESCRIBES ME WELL [b]I[/b] am unique and alone. [b]N[/b]ever wanted to be liked by anyone else. [b]D[/b]id things by myself, and still do. [b]V[/b]ery different and non-caring of others thoughts. [b]I[/b] dont care what people think of me [b]U[/b]niqueness is what i feel more comfortable being a part of [b]A[/b]lways being myself, not caring what you lable me as [b]L[/b]iving my life as an INDIVIDUAL is the best way for me to live |
| ground for tears... |
| 07.21.04 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
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OKAY, FOR STARTERS THIS POEM I WROTE FOR MY GRANDPA 4 YEARS AGO THAT DIED 9 YEARS AGO ON MAY 27...MAY HE R.I.P....NEVER FORGOTTEN AND ALWAYS LOVED...NOT THE BEST OF MY WORK BUT HEY WHO CARES? NOW REMEMBER THIS POEM WAS WRITTEN BEFORE I EVER STARTED WRITING POETRY SO ITS NOT MY BEST OF WORK... [b]Ground For Tears[/b] I sit here alone on the cold damp ground talking to you like you was here with me. Nobody really knows why or what i am doing. I reminisce about all the good times we used to have together. Then I start to cry. Then, somehow I hear your voice in the distance calling out to me telling me "everything will be fine my little angel." The tears begin to fall harder. Then I start thinking about how much your disappearance has hurt everyone that needed you. "WHY?" I scream as I feel the emotions swarm my body. Then it seems as though your presence is surrounding me like you have been there the whole time through my time of sorrow. Then I snap back into reality. You're gone, no one is able to change that or bring you back to me. Then I ask God to bring you back to me for one final goodbye, but nothing happenes. I only look forward to death, the day I find myself standing infront of you on the other side. Calling out you you but do you rememeber me? Do you know who I am? I drop tears on your head stone. The ground for tears as I walk away... |